Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

never stops being funny

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket