Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
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[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.