I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
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Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I have a type: disappointing
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?