I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.
You’re the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you’re worthless.
The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov