found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
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BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
pain
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻