found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
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Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
