found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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