found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
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Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”