Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
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Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney