Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
