Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
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No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
The pen is writier than the sword.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole