Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
never forget
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat