Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
OH. COME. ON.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?