Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Good morning.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so