Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers