Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free