Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
“No way.” -Jose
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Before & after 😅
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef