Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.