Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
You Might Also Like
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Council: We鈥檒l pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He鈥檚 my friend.
Council: 鈥nd an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we鈥檝e owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn鈥檛 even know we had a heated steering wheel.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
馃幎Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty馃幎
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she鈥檚 not beating me.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we鈥檙e trying to have a baby
ME: ok I鈥檒l step outside
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it鈥檚 ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.