Found a free bandaid at the pool.
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”