Found a free bandaid at the pool.
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Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
This a good idea
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken