Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
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Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.