Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Children of the corn 🌽
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot