found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
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“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.