found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
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Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*