found a horse’s reddit account
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Smile they said.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not