found a horse’s reddit account
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[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
honey, bring out the fine china.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
So we got a goldfish…
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.