found a horse’s reddit account
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Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Sunday
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
rest in peas
