found a horse’s reddit account
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Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Only Americans understand
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I know this now 😂
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street