found a horse’s reddit account
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New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I have a new favorite meme page
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.