Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure