Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

How did we not see this back then?

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.