Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Bloody internet 😳

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny