Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
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I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I finally found a reason to live again.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙