Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.