“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Worlds greatest photobomb
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker