Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

the way that my cat confidently throws himself into the same screen door on a daily basis trying to catch unobtainable lizards gives me hope that i can also remain upbeat and mildly delusional about what’s possible