“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
*skinny dips into black hole
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.