Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over