Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
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“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Check your privilege
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*