Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Do you want to taunt a snowman?