Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
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you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.