found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
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I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.