found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.