found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Multitask? I can barely unitask
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”