Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.