Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
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Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately