Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..