Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
bought wrong eggs
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I created you as mosquito food.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
