Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
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angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*