Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
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Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
October 31
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.