Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
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Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone