Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
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Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight