Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
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a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.