Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.