Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
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[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
me when i see my girls butt
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
ah yes….my favourite videogame
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.