Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.