Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
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My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.