Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

i love modern commerce

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

a badder mouse