Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.