found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
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My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.