found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
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#BatmanvSuperman
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I like crazy people until they notice me
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Got ya covered
