Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
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I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
😅🤣😂
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.