Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

having children is a pyramid scheme.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

💀💀💀💀

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.