Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Oh the world we live in…
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown