Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur