Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
You Might Also Like
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Incredible customer service.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside