Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
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Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica