Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
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Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on