Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
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*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
August 8
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.