“FOUND ‘EM!”
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?