“FOUND ‘EM!”
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
They got Raph!
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting