“FOUND ‘EM!”
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The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???