“FOUND ‘EM!”
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
i feel so bad i refunded him
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.