Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
⚰
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags