Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr