Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh