“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk