Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.