Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
weird email i got today
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example