Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I have questions??
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
This fish is cracking me up
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together