Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
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Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.