Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

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Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Beards are a privilege, not a right

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now