Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
*limbos away from your hug*
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?